Thursday, February 12, 2009

Shopping with Abe Lincoln by Jaret Sears

Shopping with Abe Lincoln
Jaret Sears

Abe, buddy, could you grab us a basket?
We won’t need a cart, we aren’t buying that much.

Where are you going? We…no… wait… no, we start over here.
Come back over here, don’t go to the deli, we don’t need anything there.

Ok… do you have that shopping list, Abe?

You forgot it? Where? I asked you in the car if you had it and you said you did.

Do you remember any of it?

You could remember the Gettysburg address, but you couldn’t remember a shopping list. Never mind, I think I remember most of it.

Hey. Whoa there. Abe, what are you doing?
Are you smuggling potatoes in your top hat? That’s illegal, Abe. Shoplifting is illegal.
And they called you “Honest Abe”. Ha. I laugh at that. I do.

Oh you were just putting them in there so you could weigh them easier?

Sure, ok. No, I believe you. Why are you giving me that look? Don’t give me that look.

Abe, look at this. Hormel chili is on sale. Ten cans for $10. That’s pretty good.
What? Well… yeah… I know. I know we don’t need it.

But I mean its nonperishable, so we could buy it now when it is on sale, and store it.

Abe, it’s not a stupid idea. That’s realistic. Fine, we won’t get it.
But when football season starts next month and you invite your pal Rathbone over,

Don’t ask me to make dip for you, cause I won’t, cause we won’t have chili.

Ok… we have to pick up Diet Coke. Not regular Coke. NOT regular, Abe.

You know what it does to your stomach, and I’m not going sit there feeding you TUMS. And you groan and you tell me never to let you get regular Coke again…

And then the next day, what do you do? You get regular Coke.

No. Freeze. Right now. What are you doing? You are holding regular Coke.

Put that down, get the Diet Coke. Just do it, Abe.

What else did we need? Anything… is this about it?

We’ve put a few things in our basket… we don’t need much else.

I don’t think so. But I just know that when we get home I am going to find the list,

And I’ll have missed something on it.

But oh well, whatever it is, I’ll pick it up after work tomorrow.

Ok, we don’t have that much stuff. So we’re not using a regular aisle.

Should we use the “Express Lane” or “Self-Checkout”?
You know what, the self-checkout always breaks when I use it, so we’ll just play it safe.

We’re going to use the “Express Lane”. We have ten items or fewer, right? Right?

Alright… ok… I’ll put this stuff on the conveyer belt.

No, you don’t need to help me, Abe. I can do this myself.

What are you doing? No, you aren’t getting that water bottle, put it back.

We have water in the car. I don't care if the car-water is warm. Put the water back, Abe.

No. Hey. Don’t put that on the conveyer belt. Get that off of there! Now! Abe!

Ok… fine… there you go, she scanned it. Too late, we bought it.

Now you have your water. Are you happy? You couldn’t just wait till we got to the car.

It’s funny that you could run an entire democracy “by the people”,

But you won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion while grocery shopping.

Whatever. I don’t make the money. It’s not my money. It’s yours. You can waste it.

What? Oh. I don’t have my “Shaw’s Card”. I didn’t bring my keys ‘cause you drove.

Abe, do you have your “Shaw’s Card”? No, you don’t? You don’t.

Abe Lincoln forgot his “Shaw’s Card”.